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Monty Python Sketch

2009-09-28T18:47:00.004+09:30

"I'd like to return this cell phone."

"Markenson's, two doors down, thank you."

"No, no. I didn't buy it, I found it."

"Best of luck getting a refund then, thank you. Good day."

"No, you don't seem to understand. I'm turning it in to you."

"If Markenson's won't give you a refund, why should we?"

"No! You're the police! I found this cell phone and I want to return it to its original owner."

"Oh, I see. Harry, have any of the boys reported a lost cell phone?"

"Don't think so, Grimm."

"Sorry, it's not ours. Perhaps someone at Markenson's lost it. Good day."

"Damn it all! I know who the owner is! I called them on this very phone! They're coming here to collect it as we speak!"

"Why would they be coming here? We don't have it."

"Of course you don't, you git! I have it! It's right bleedin' here!"

(shows the officer the phone)

"So the owner of that phone..."

"Yes."

"is coming here..."

"Yes."

"to pick it up."

"Exactly!"

"And what, pray tell, are you doing with it?"

"I found it!!"

"Oh, did you?"

"Yes, I did."

"And how did you find it?"

"It was just laying there."

"Was it?"

"Yes."

"Alright, you're going to have to come with me, Mr. Findy Fingers."

"What for???"

"Are you or are you not the owner of that phone there in your hand?"

"I'm not!"

"So you admit it!"

"This is insane! I found it! It was just laying there!"

"That's what they all say. Come now, let's have a DNA sample."

"Oh, bollocks!"

"No, sir, we just swab your cheek. That's a good chap. Come along."

"This is ridiculous! I merely found this phone and turned it in out of a sense of civic duty! I didn't expect a sort of Spanish Inquisition!

(looks at door)

"I said, 'I didn't expect a sort of Spanish Inquisition!'"

"Yes, we heard you, sir, didn't we, Harry?"

"Loud and clear, Grimm."

"But I thought..."

"Obviously."

"Then this isn't...?"

"Afraid not."

"I see."

"Quite."

"So you'll be wanting my DNA then?"

"There's a good chap. Has anyone ever told you you look like Michael Palin?"

"I get that a lot."

(The door opens. An Eric-Idle-looking fellow comes in.)

"Can I help you, sir?"

"Ah, yes, I'm here for a phone?"

"Markenson's, two doors down, thank you."

DT is Gay

2009-05-17T19:47:00.003+09:30

The title says it all. Instead I shall talk about pineapple facts.

Pineapples are native to Brazil and Paraguay.
The first written record of the word pineapple in English was in 1398.
Pineapples take 18 months to grow.
A pineapple is ripe if one of its top leaves can be easily pulled out.
In 2005, 212,000 pineapples were produced in Hawaii.
Pineapples were discovered by Christopher Columbus in 1493 on the island of Guadaloupe.

Now here are some facts about cyanide:

It is a natutally occuring chemical and one of the most common in the world.
Cigarette smoke contains cyanide.
Cyanide gas is the most toxic form of cyanide.
A lethal dose of cyanide is contained within 1.68kg of lima beans.
Cyanide is contained in 110 different plant families.

An anagram of "eating dog shit" is "dang stogie hit".

Dream Team Players To NOT Buy

2009-02-18T22:40:00.004+10:30

The following list of players are those I recommend you do not pick in your AFL Dream Team, otherwise you will lose, I guarantee it. This list is based on pure fact. The fact that these players are shit.

Jake King (Richmond,Defender) $341,300 ... He is the shortest person in the entire world and he plays for Richmond, who are also shit. Has been likened to the Duracell bunny, but I think someone last year must have like put him in a microwave or something.
Simon Prestigiacomo (Collingwood, Defender) $110,900 ... Since AFL DT has been incepted, he has quite possibly the worst scoring record of all time. He starts each year at almost a rookie price and normally goes down in price. No value whatsoever.
Jared Brennan (Brisbane, Forward/Midfielder) $373,700 ... Most inconsistent player in DT that I can remember. He also wears a glove. I can't wait for him to score like 100 for a couple rounds this year, after which everyone will get him and then he will get a 2.
Adam Bentick (Carlton, Midfielder) $325,800 ... He provided one of the most interesting statistics during 2008 when 32 people out of approximately 200,000 had him selected in their Dream Teams at one stage of the year, which was by far the least of any player, even less than Danny Jacobs who had retired prior to the season beginning. For some reason he is known as Adam "Bent-Dick".
Matthew Boyd (Western Bulldogs, Midfielder) $406,800 ... Who? He is so far under the radar that he is in hell. He averaged 0.5 points less than the Brownlow medallist last year for Christ's sake. I would actually pick him but he is a bit old now.
Cameron Wight (Western Bulldogs, Defender) $220,100 ... His name sounds like Cam White, the shittest (Australian) international cricketer of all time. Fuck Cam White off already - He can't bat, can't bowl and he especially can't bowl.
John Meesen (Melbourne, Ruckman) $86,600 ... He was picked by the Crows in the first round of a National Draft so therefore he is a dud, or a criminal.
Nick Fosdike (Sydney, Midfielder) $205,900 ... Retired because his knees are fucked. Man it will be funny to see how many dumbarses pick him up during the year.
Hayden Skipworth (Essendon, Midfielder/Forward) $196,600 ... Despite the fact he scored 99 in his first NAB Cup match in 2009, he is, was, and always will be shit. Only fucking plays well for the WWT Eagles when they play North.
Matthew Egan (Geelong, Defender) $86,600 ... He is fucked. Has to have his body amputated from the neck down.

Also, don't get Dean Cox so I can win. Or Tom Allwright because he just isn't quite good enough. Or Adam Cockie because he is a bit to arrogant for my liking.